The Gestalt of Polinious


Personal life, Relationships

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When the littles front:

Good humor, and I just had to share this because.. that’s exactly what it’s like when the kids come out.

What do you think of the Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation book so far?

So far I really like and appreciate this book. It breaks things down into what I find to be pretty common language that is easy to understand. There are guidelines and suggestions at the beginning of the book for if one starts to get too anxious or dissociated while reading the book. It offers grounding exercises, exercises to help with dissociation, and journaling exercises to help one identify, adjust to, and develop perspectives on what they have read, on their own experience and healthy coping mechanism

It tends to share a variety of different examples and symptoms that occurs on the dissociative spectrum and offers rational understanding and perspective to the experiences, as well as words which is something that I find is a common struggle for these kinds of experiences and that is something that the book seems to understand as well.

All in all I find it useful and refreshing. Reading this book allows me to feel less as if I might be insane and more as if my mind and body are functioning in a way I can recognize and come to work with to make life more functional and bearable.

(Generally I default to sending messages in private… I found this sitting in the drafts though, my apologies if this is  bit late.)

Relationships and Us

OKay so I guess a little bit about personal life events. Mostly because I’m very interested in how the coalition of voices in my head influenced and responded to this situation. So this is mostly Lee talking here.

That friend that I have been talking about recently, the one that has been able to understand even though they themselves don’t have an extreme on the spectrum of Multiplicity, they are a cohesive enough individual that they don’t have whole persons with their own names and histories running amock as voices.

Well they really wanted to get together as a couple. I always have my own reservations. I analyze, think it out, construct verbal contracts of conduct, and then weigh my options. Generally I tend to make sure that the other individual can handle it if we should ever break up, that we have an understanding of how to deal with that.

While I was worried about how heart-break would impact this friend, that isn’t why We finally came to a decision.

Talking last night, I could have laid down and just tried to go to sleep… Only I wasn’t being allowed to. It is a frustrating thing I have dealt with for a long time but if I’m trying to sleep but someone upstairs is trying to get my attention then I’ll end up physically seizing, twitching, spazzing not unlike myoclonic jerks. So that kept happening, I wasn’t allowed to sleep. However I was able to assess why. Ryan wanted to talk with me, and so I felt that I had to go outside and have a cigarette so that we could consult with each other without having to deal with external pressures.

So.. I went outside and a floodgate of counsel road in, but they weren’t discordant. Each voice took the time to calmly state their arguments and opinions in my thoughts, allowing me to address each point and giving their agreements or counterarguments.

We actually worked through a lot of fears and insecurities I had. The amount of emotional support was almost overwhelming. The fact that I was able to talk to members that I had not been able to have a rational conversation with before was intriguing to say the least. Everyone expressed their wants and needs.

What got to me was how Ryan was supportive. He seemed fairly reserved and apathetic, but I am very sensitive to his opinions of other people. Each time Ryan has gotten defensive or tried to warn me of a certain individual they turned out to be very unhealthy for be to be involved with, typically of the emotionally abusive kind. This wasn’t an issue here, and Ryan said that he would support me.

Others expressed that a sexual relationship would be okay with in this relationship as well, which… I am generally uncomfortable with but also important. Very important.

Finally, as I was headed inside, finally resolving my decision from our lengthy discussion… It felt like someone was gently touching my shoulders and pushing me encouragingly forward. It was Tiffany, and she said how happy she was for me, how proud. Which made me smile and was also very interesting. Tiffany acts like she is the medicine woman and match-maker of the group. Whenever there’s a potential relationship I might hear her chime in with “Oh so-n-so isn’t good enough, you should wait out for someone else.”, or “You know, you really should have given that past relationship a second chance.”, “You know you were made for this person.”, etc. She didn’t tell me that I was made for this person, but just that it was worth taking the chance. The support and approval from her was actually comforting rather than feeling pushed like one might with an overbearing family member.

So I have a significant other now. One that… is… just so completely okay with all of me that it’s baffling. More than baffling, it’s a wonder and so relieving. I’m always afraid that they might not understand… Afraid that something odd or harmful is going to happen. However at odd times someone will come out to front, and it’s taken in stride. For example Ryan came out for just a few seconds while I was sitting there, S.O. singing love songs at me while holding my hand… He shook the hand away. I remembered this later. Worried that I might have made my love feel rejected, I brought it up. They understood!

So anyway, that’s that for now.

Who's cutest?


I am!!! -Tiny

Uh… Maybe Tiny. -Lee

I tend to think that Lee might be the cutest, has a bit of an Ellen Page look to her. -Alzen

Tiny! -Rylee

Developing and Updating - Lee

Working on updating some things on the main page and extra pages of the blog. This means descriptions of other participants, a re-write of ‘Our Story’ on the ‘Who and What’ page to more accurately define our current understanding.

I’m also working on re-writing some of the essays that are up there to reflect our matured perspective on our experiences. Right now I have a few rough-drafts saved in my documents. I’m actually taking the time to review and structure these essays rather than writing them out off of the top of my head like I did before.

Our perspective really has changed, and with more understanding about psychology, particularly our own, I think that we deserve to put that into words that make more accurately reflect our stage in development. We used to think that all of this could only be explained by magic, by spirits and inaccurate cultural ideas. While I still hold onto a lot of my spirituality it simply doesn’t make as much sense that Tiny, or Ryan, etc. come from some ethereal realm as it does that they came from the vast and imaginative realm of my developing mind as a means connection between my internal and external realities.

Useful though it potentially is, multiplicity does not always make our lives easier. Like any group of people who are bound together, our various personalities may not always work as a team. Sometimes they withhold information from one another, fight for control or refuse to step forward when needed.

Have you, for example, ever REALLY wanted something, then thrown it away just as it is within your grasp? Or sabotaged a relationship for no reason you understand? Have you blurted out the thing that you least wanted someone to know, or exploded with anger at the very moment you most needed to stay calm? Can you recall flunking out of an important event you spent weeks preparing for, or turning over in bed and going back to sleep on a morning when it was vital you rose early? Do you ever, in the wee hours of the morning, groan with embarrassment at some stupid thing you have done?

Perhaps you never experience any of these things. But if this is true, you are unusual, to say the least. Practically all of us do and feel contrary things from time to time. Afterward we talk of
“not being ourselves.” We berate ourselves for the stupidity of our self-destructiveness, or agonize over what’s wrong with our lives. Should we divorce Resign? Downsize? Change continents? Change sex?

To be two or more “minds” about what to do is generally considered to be bad because it tends to produce the discomfort of uncertainty and inner conflict. Most of us therefore try to quash all but one of our personalities. Invariably it is the quieter, less assertive minors that are made to shut up, even when they might be speaking better sense that the major who vanquishes them. The problem, in other words, is not that we are mutli-minded but that we refuse to acknowledge our multiplicity and so use it to advantage.

Feeling as if we are just one has its uses, as we’ll see. Paradoxically, though, a strong conviction of unity can actually create inner conflict.

- pg 80, CH 4 Multiplicity by Rita Carter

A trend toward multiplicity, like the shift toward greater dissociation suggested by Steven Gold, can be seen, then, as an adaptive response to a changing environment. The wider the range of experiences we are offered, the greater the number and variety of personalities a person is likely to develop. Far from being unhealthy, this is a natural consequence of the astonishing flexibility of the human brain.

- pg 79, Ch 4 Multiplicity by Rita Carter

The Show by Lenka is a good song

Anonymously ask me questions


I’ll answer everything

Could use a pleasant distraction