The Gestalt of Polinious

Sep 2

So, you don't have DID?



Ahahaha. Yeah, I have DID, I’m just not interested in “introducing” all my alter states. I’m not here to entertain you, and I’m not interested in the “novelty” of having alters, so I’m not interested in briefing you on the characteristics of each one of my alter states. That’s like going up to someone and saying “Excuse me, but would you describe how you act when you are under each of these five different categories of extreme stress and how they differ?” I’m no different from anyone else just because I am mentally ill, and I don’t owe you any details about who I am as a person. I just have DID, so who I am presents very differently, and can be dysfunctional at times. That doesn’t mean I lose my right to keep aspects of my life private.

Personally, right now, I’m trying to approach my DID in a way that encourages more practicality and stability, for the sake of my health. So I’m not interested in talking about all the differences between my alters, even if I could give you an accurate overview of that(for obvious reasons, I don’t always know myself that well.)

Anyone who tells you that each of their alters isn’t still THEM on some level is probably just in a serious state of denial, and that’s normal for people with DID, but it’s not healthy. Even people who don’t want to integrate should at least have a healthy awareness that each alter is a part of themselves as a whole.


This hit me on an interesting level just now. Not sure what it all is but I know that this got me thinking about how I have gone through different states of denial and which ones have caused more stress. 

So far we don’t want to integrate, but we are definitely trying to understand each other better in every day life. From week to week. It took a long time to get to this point of what that really means for us. If integration happens, it happens. Regardless we have to learn to work together and help each other to be safe and healthy. 

This means making a lot of compromise and being willing to change how we see each other. 

Looking back at old journals, there wasn’t as much depth or meaningfulness when we kept each other at a distance. When we refused to really come to understand and work with each other in a mature way. 

On our blog we try to share certain revelations. As Lee I really choose to try to share those things that seem to answer the questions I have been asking for so very long. I’ll admit if it’s just a thought that has yet to mature farther. Sometimes my realizations or recent experiences with working together are extremely new and confounding, even confusing. 

It’s all worth it though. 

Sep 2

Totally personal, sex life, melding with parts.

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As a note on the last post… 

My friend-the other- said to me that… should I disappear from this world because of something dealing with my mind-folk… It will not kill my friend-the primary- it will surely hurt him.. but I will eventually become a dusty memory after a year or two. 

This was oddly reassuring. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not that special. He’ll get over you eventually. Somewhere between six months and 2 years, but you’ll just become a dusty memory. He might remember the highlights, but it won’t kill him. If anything, he might actually feel something.”

Like I said, it’s oddly reassuring. To know that if I eventually fuck up, then that’s one person who’s life will still go on. Someone that can still make something of themselves even if I add a minor bump to the road. 

I like that. There’s a lot less pressure. 


Lee again. 

Today I had a pretty intense conversation with a friend who goes through similar of what I go through. Everyone is different. This friend only has one or two that might come out, but a plethora of voices. …For this friend almost all of them are very negative and rather dangerous. My friend is not okay but is trying their best to cope in day to day life. I tend to end up associating with people who struggle with mental illness, usually some form of severe depression. Today I got to talk in depth with one of their others about how we see each other as friends, and how the ‘primary’ (as they call their host) has been doing in all actuality. Falling back into alcoholism, and this other seemed to be concerned in some way. Letting me know because I’m one of the few people that they trust beyond a surface level. 

It was honoring, offered me more humility, sobering, and concerning all at once. 

We ended up talking about the severity of depression. The kind of stuff that other people would think you’d be insane to consider, let alone do. We talked about having ‘dark’ aspects of our personalities, or dark ‘others’ who take over and do things that we have to take responsibility for but cannot explain, understand…. things that we have trouble accepting. 

This friend has supposedly been struggling with suicidal and homicidal behavior… Severe aggression… More people struggle with these things than common society would have each other believe. I know this first hand from watching adults, young adults, adolescents, and myself. We are all human… and humans don’t rightfully understand themselves yet. Driving instincts, what elicits behaviors in ourselves, etc. etc. Some would go mad just trying to figure it out. 

I started to lose lucidity in the conversation. Sat there with my eyes closed for some time because it was the best I could do in order to stay present. Holding back impulses coming from somewhere… else. Finally I ended up hugging my knees to my chest very tightly, and my level of awareness and control started to return.. but only while clinging to my knees. I expressed how afraid I was that we were going to become worse, more dangerous to ourselves and others as we age. This has been a fear I have had for too long. Most of the time I can trust that I will be fine. I can trust in my decisions and thought-processes, I can even trust in whatever else is going on in my head and behaviors that I link to there being the mind-folk. Then there are times… times when I’m just the Observer, only able to watch, unable to say or do anything by choice. Watching as a handful of pills are swallowed, as glasses of alcohol are consumed. Only returning when I am standing in front of my friend outside of the door to my appointment, vision unfocused. Pushing legs and arms to move to collect shoes, a coat, a bag of clothes… Then leaning on that friend walking back to a safer location. Crying my eyes out from relief, fear, shame… hatred. 

There’s only so much professional help I can get and afford. 

There’s only so much a support network can put up with. 

There’s only so much a human can do. 

and We’re all very.. very human. 

To everyone who has stuck with me from the beginning of my discovering I have DID



(And also, thank you. So much.)


When someone asks you why you did something that happened while you were dissociated


When someone asks you why you did something that happened while you were dissociated

A Dream

It’s rare that I have a dream with someone else in control throughout the entire dream. This is the second time that I have had one involving Ryan. -Lee

Throughout the dream, Ryan was in control. We were living out a life in another town going through the motions of high school classes. Frequently Ryan could be found walking around the school block, smoking his pack of cigarettes. Sometimes talking to friends, sometimes ignoring everyone.

There was a computer class where he did not get along well with the teacher. So he started to wear headphones and listen to music while doing the work. He and the teacher started to have a battle over the music and head phones. The first day the teacher told him to take off the headphones because Ryan couldn’t hear the teacher. The next day, Ryan kept the headphones low and was left alone. The day after that, he kept the headphones low but the teacher confiscated the headphones. Then the final day, the teacher tried to confiscate the MP3 player, but Ryan grabbed the teacher’s hand and tried to make a forceful appeal in order to keep it.

The teacher had had enough and kept the MP3 player.

Ryan then gathered his things, waited for the teacher to be preoccupied with something else, and then collected the MP3 player off of the teacher’s table. Walked out of the room.

Every day at lunch there was this 2 story room, the second level open in the center to look down on the cafeteria which was sometimes a dance floor. The walls were lined with periodic food stations of various sorts. The types of food that one may find at a prom or wedding could be found. A fountain of kool-aid which also produced portable kool-aid pouches, table of baked sugary goods, etc. Honestly it was difficult to find any good food and even though a lot of these foods looked good dream-Ryan could remember that the body has a few dietary restrictions that made most of the foods out of bounds.

Half of the days Ryan would spend his time walking around town during lunch, getting a new pack of cigarettes. Talking on the phone. After spending a few days in the lunch room, making friends here and there, especially during after school study groups… Two guys started to show a lot of interest. Ryan did no reciprocate those feelings and they started to become more belligerent. Finally there was a school dance function. Ryan decided to go, these two guys started to hound him. Asking him to date them and etc, because he was in the body of a female, they seemed not to understand how very unwelcome the advances were. Finally he shouted at them and insulted them, claiming to be a lesbian, and therefor, disinterested. One of the guys grabbed his wrist and he spun around about to punch the small one in the face, it was one of the few instances I felt aware and like I could say something. I yelled at Ryan not to hit him. So Ryan stopped a few inches short of the guys’ face. “You’re lucky I decided to pull back” he said, and let them go roughly, “Next time I won’t.” So Ryan glared them down as they walked away, getting the hint that it wasn’t a game anymore.

Personal life, Relationships

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When the littles front:

Good humor, and I just had to share this because.. that’s exactly what it’s like when the kids come out.