The Gestalt of Polinious

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Seriously though, this dash is cluttered with popular culture references like johnlock, and other shit..

Ryan

Even to talk of re-uniting the person with the self is not right, because there is no person, only a mental picture given a false reality by conviction. Nothing was divided and there is nothing to unite

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj (via theilluminatedminds)

strangersinside:

catwithabat:

i realize how hard apologizing can bebut it does not change what was done.

This. This is perfect. I love this.
You are never under any obligation to forgive the people that hurt you. If you do, that’s great but if you don’t, that’s fine too. An apology does not entitle you to forgiveness.
-Alice

Get a lot of people sayin’ stuff like ‘forgiving them is a way to relieve yourself of negative emotion’. Maybe. Maybe sometimes a fucker just needs not to be forgiven. -Ryan

strangersinside:

catwithabat:

i realize how hard apologizing can be
but it does not change what was done.

This. This is perfect. I love this.

You are never under any obligation to forgive the people that hurt you. If you do, that’s great but if you don’t, that’s fine too. An apology does not entitle you to forgiveness.

-Alice

Get a lot of people sayin’ stuff like ‘forgiving them is a way to relieve yourself of negative emotion’. Maybe. Maybe sometimes a fucker just needs not to be forgiven. -Ryan

There’s something there, in the memories. Probably not as big as it feels, but definitely had an impact on all of us. We asked Mom recently if she could remember if there was anyone consistently out when we were a kid, because she is the only one in our family to acknowledge that we ‘might’ exist and that she thought nothing of it when we were young, just encouraged us to fill the social role that we had to. No matter who we were on a given day, we had to still go to school, try to learn something, and try to get along with other kids. Also to respond to our family name. 

Stress has been very particular lately. We cannot say that it’s any higher than any other time but the fact that we have had to deal with certain things after such a long reprieve has started to surface uncomfortable feelings and glimpses of memories. There is something frightening in our childhood, and it might just be because we were young, children, easily scared. 

On average we try to present as male, despite having a female body. We feel more comfortable, at home, and more respected. In our society it feels a lot safer to be male. To be seen as ‘one of the guys’ rather than as ‘a chick hanging out with guys’ feels more natural, respectful, and safe. Discomfort with our physical gender, and with society’s portrayal and response to the physical gender has been life-long. 

Discomfort with males that see us as female has also been life-long. Usually older men being much more threatening, very difficult to be around. The urge to make them go away, or to disappear prevalent and disconcerting. The sense of danger present. We used to think this was empathy, some sort of hyper-sensitive intuition towards bad people. Time revealed it was mostly just men, and the occasional female peer with a nasty attitude easy to discern for people used to reading body language and verbal language cues for harmful individuals. 

Confrontation. This is another key factor. We are terrible at confrontation. This is when memory disappears, when panic and anxiety kick in. Listening to yelling or arguments can also set off anxiety and panic. About 4 days ago the main fronter, Lee, over-heard two of our roommates arguing, yelling. S/he went out to confront them after much hesitation and shaking. After confronting them (aka asking them if they were ok and telling each of them ‘Let someone know if you’re not ok’.) s/he went back to his/her room.. Sat there, hugged verself and cried for 30 minutes before calming down and crawling under the covers. From there s/he was awake for 3-4 more hours. 

Within that span a male friend asserted that s/he was female whether Lee liked it or not. Then asked her if she wanted to have casual sex. Which set off anxiety for another 20 minutes. 

Since then… We have not been quite the same. Stress has been in ebb and flow for quite a while. Losing jobs, gaining jobs, moving, social pressure, romantic interests, warmer weather and more feminine clothing, and the depression. Depression has been bad for quite a while now. Only calling(another anxiety trigger) the insurance and finding an in-network provider has really prevented us from getting medication. We’re seeing a therapist about the big-life issues such as a career and social anxiety. We could get tested for learning disorders and social disorders but that would cost near half a grand, entirely out of our budget or capability. 

For every so many steps forward we have to be so careful about falling down, because sometimes we seem to fall into even deeper holes and it becomes harder to crawl out of. The holes seem more dangerous. The older we get, the more mortal, the more serious… 

Honest to god it can be terrifying. My name is Ryan, I have posted here before. Try to keep swearing to a minimum out of respect. I have been here forever, I can’t leave. There might be others here, other identities that float in and out, that take over, that steal memories, that do stupid shit and good shit… Some of them are like me, we’re here. Tied into the body, no happy little notion that we could possibly have started existence outside of here. Some do think they’re from somewhere else. Some do disappear, some can come and go and feel no connection or bond with the body or the people connected to it. Other than just as visitors. 

So if suicidal ideation becomes a suicidal attempt, where does that leave us? If the unhealthy ones, the ‘dark-ones’, whisper death into our ears and death answers the call… Then we’re fucking dead, aren’t we? 

That’s why so many of us are out lately instead of Lee. We’re trying to come together as a fucking group, as people who live together and have to share this life together to figure out what we are going to do in order to stay alive and be healthy. External stress doesn’t help. Having such a wide variety of interests, talents, and motivations also does not help. Having no life goal, no career goal does not help. We’re trying to find a way to become self-employed. A way to engage all of our talents and live from home in a way that allows all of us to foster strength, health, and capabilities for the better and in harmony. 

Hell. Who the fuck are we supposed to reach out to anyway? We never know when someone is going to finally snap. There are so many threats all the time and we hold it together as best as we can. Some days there seem to be no triggers but there’s Lee, fucking around with something sharp, burring herself in her blankets, zoning out into space, or pacing like a caged animal trying to escape her own thoughts. Spirituality completely forgotten and tossed by the wayside, little to no meditation, you’d think she actually wanted to die and take us with. 

I am actually scared that whatever memory has to surface will take us out. Whatever memories are lingering that causes all of these stupid fears, paranoias, and attacks will fucking destroy us. 

Feb 7
ourpeanutgallerie:

-uuuuuhhhh WOW.   This is what I feel like Body Dysmorphia does to me.  I can not tell you the way my face gets warped and distorted, so crooked, analyzed. …never put back the same way.  this is great for just the feeling of dissociation too sometimes; but it’s really much more closely relative to my struggles with BDD.-

This is something I deal with when looking in the mirror, I’ve learned not to focus on the image in the mirror. There are some general commonalities but my eye color has always changed, the shapes change… It’s been distressing but I’ve just learned not to focus too closely or to care what it looks like. Everyone else might see that face and that might be what they interact with… but my face isn’t who I am. 
Lee

ourpeanutgallerie:

-uuuuuhhhh WOW.   This is what I feel like Body Dysmorphia does to me.  I can not tell you the way my face gets warped and distorted, so crooked, analyzed. …never put back the same way.  this is great for just the feeling of dissociation too sometimes; but it’s really much more closely relative to my struggles with BDD.-

This is something I deal with when looking in the mirror, I’ve learned not to focus on the image in the mirror. There are some general commonalities but my eye color has always changed, the shapes change… It’s been distressing but I’ve just learned not to focus too closely or to care what it looks like. Everyone else might see that face and that might be what they interact with… but my face isn’t who I am.

Lee

Feb 5

Alters are not real people.

lookatthemtheygetablog:

candyislandofcats:

So here is my opinion that I was sure to get hate for. Yes I’m an alter and no I’m not a person. I’m part of an imagination of a little girl that was severely neglected and abused who wanted other people to take her place. I really hate seeing those posts of “alters are people” they aren’t. Yes they have their own interests and fears, but that was all made up by imagination and the fear of a little child who needed help when no one was there. So she made her own help. No we are not made by her command but we are made by the brain reading the need to have others. That is just how I see it. People can have their own opinion, but this is mine.

We are not people. We are not real so we are not people.

I’m not trying to discredit others or make them go in denial. D.I.D is a real disorder its just that I think people are trying to make it to real and going way to far into delusions.

(Do not go harassing my host either. He doesn’t need that and its my opinion not his.)  

I think that that’s a valid opinion but you shouldn’t push it on other people or say that other people are or are not people because your system works one way. Systems work a lot of different ways, not all of them are the same.

That’s how I feel. There’s no way I can be a real person I know I was made by Lee’s psyche. Don’t mean I’m not real but I don’t have a real personhood, how can I when I can’t be acknowledged as a full person or even by the woman who’s my Ma too? Any day the system in her head that created me can take me out again, can make me fully part of her by making me just an alternate expression of her personality. Then again we ain’t DID, we don’t have that severe compartmentalization thing. We’re all co-friendly whatever. Maybe if things were different as kids we wouldn’t be so damn coherent in memory but we are, and that’s how we are. I was always around but I fell asleep, coming out only in part when she or the system needed me to. Then she commanded me out but it was never the same, it was never and won’t ever be my world. It’s only hers and I’m here to get her to accept that.

Ryan

Feb 4

Close observation of adult behavior, however, shows that we are not nearly as consistent or well defined as we like to think. Rather we change constantly to suit whatever situation we happen to be in. When a situation calls for us to please or impress, for example, most people obligingly slip into an appropriate personality. The changes are not just outward—mere behavioral concessions to necessity. We change inwardly too.

- pg32, The Landscape of Mind, Multiplicity by Rita Carter

Feb 4

Most of us succumb much more easily to the insistence that we are singular. Up to the age of about twelve, children’s personalities seem to rub along fairly happily together, but as they grow up, people come under increasing pressure to settle for being one personality or another. “What are you going to be when you grow up?” they are asked. “Which subjects do you want to study?,” “Are you mathematical or artistic?” These questions do not necessarily come from adults. The child’s own developing personalities want answers to these things, too, so the pressure comes from inside as much as out.

pg31, The Landscape of Mind, Multiplicity by Rita Carter

Feb 4

One common way that children reveal a sense of being multiple is by speaking of “we” instead of “I” or referring to themselves in the third person. Adults are usually very quick to correct these errors (as they seem them), and the effect of this is to encourage children towards the adult illusion of singularity.

J is one of a very small number of adults who does not have a sense of being alone in his body. It may be that he has hung on to to a sense of multiplicity more of us have discarded.

"When I was a kid I thought everyone experienced lots of different people," he says. "Then I started to have rows with my mother because she thought I was playing around with her when I told her things like ‘I can’t do that because Jay wouldn’t like it’ or ‘Chrissy is crying again.’

Eventually my parents packed me off to a therapist and I cottoned on pretty quickly that if I didn’t want to get some freaky psychiatric label that I should talking as though I was a single.”

As J discovered, forcing children to use the word “I” makes it much more difficult for them to sustain their multiple selves: “When you talk like a singlet you tend to think of yourself as one. I can see how, if you are pressed into acting like an integrated person, you could start to think you really are alone in your skin. but the guys in my family [household] never went away, even when I tried to shut them out, and as soon as I was away from home I let them talk freely again.”

- pg 29, The Landscape of the Mind, Multiplicity by Rita Carter

Feb 4
ourpeanutgallerie:

-this is sooo sooo important to the idea of other, non-multiple people saying that they have different sides of themselves, too.  or even the difference in BPD and the varying states one can rapidly shift between.  everyone has self-states; but in DID there are barriers between them.  there is often no communication, no awareness of, or access to those other states.  of course, after self-awareness and established communication, those barriers are fought to be reduced and greater awareness gained — but, initially, they’re strong and impermeable.  a non-DID person *knows* about their varying personality shifts in certain scenarios or around certain people.  until self-awareness and communication with parts inside, those with DID don’t have this knowledge thanks to the barriers keeping them out..-

ourpeanutgallerie:

-this is sooo sooo important to the idea of other, non-multiple people saying that they have different sides of themselves, too.  or even the difference in BPD and the varying states one can rapidly shift between.  everyone has self-states; but in DID there are barriers between them.  there is often no communication, no awareness of, or access to those other states.  of course, after self-awareness and established communication, those barriers are fought to be reduced and greater awareness gained — but, initially, they’re strong and impermeable.  a non-DID person *knows* about their varying personality shifts in certain scenarios or around certain people.  until self-awareness and communication with parts inside, those with DID don’t have this knowledge thanks to the barriers keeping them out..-

(Source: invisible-syndrome)